Messages: The Communication Skills Book by Matthew McKay, Martha David, and Patrick Fanning

I picked up this book in college because I wanted to understand others better. Just kidding. I just wanted to get better at expressing how wrong other people were because I was involved in a lot of arguments. Back then, effective communication to me mostly mean't being able to clearly articulate my opinions so that others can understand where I'm coming from. My opinions. My feelings. Now had I taken the time to read the book or maybe just learn to have some compassion for others I would've realized that communication involves a whole lot more than just the words that come out of my mouth.

It's been over two years since I've graduated and a few weeks ago I decided to crack open this book again because I really did want to understand others better in order to have better relationships. I had the feeling that in most conversations, whether it's at home or at work, I wasn't fully engaged with what others had to say. I wasn't really listening. This isn't the case all the time, but it happens often enough with people I really care about such as my girlfriend (who rarely passes up an opportunity to point out when I'm not really "there") and close friends to make me feel like I needed to do something about it.

I'm digesting a bit of this book each day and what I really like about it so far is that it really emphasizes skills. It doesn't just present theory on what good communication is, it also offers exercises for me to apply in life so that I can actually have better communication. For example, in the first chapter of the book the authors introduces the difference between pseudo-listening and real-listening. One instance of pseudo-listening is when someone is only listening for a specific piece of information and ignores the rest. Real-listening involves complete engagement. However, the authors don't just stop there! They follow up the theory with strategies for engaging in more real-listening such as applying active listening techniques like paraphrasing as well as ways to apply those techniques in life.

I'll be sharing a lot of what I learn in the next few posts, starting with ... chapter one!